


Something to Believe In

by SeriousPan



Category: The Half of It (2020)
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-05-09
Updated: 2021-02-07
Packaged: 2021-03-02 22:55:30
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 9,921
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24084700
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SeriousPan/pseuds/SeriousPan
Summary: One's in Iowa and the other's in Portland. They write letters to each other, while still trying to figure out life.
Relationships: Ellie Chu/Aster Flores
Comments: 17
Kudos: 110





	1. 10/23/2020

**Author's Note:**

> This movie made me feel soft. Now it's on my mind. If you decide to hang with me and read along, thanks for stopping by. Take care friends.

It’s a little after 4 on a late Thursday afternoon when Ellie begins to pack up her chromebook. Closing the small electronic device, she fills out a sheet with her hours and drops it off at the inbox in the writing center. With her backpack over her right shoulder, Elli throws a wave goodbye as she exits the building. The crunch of the leaves below her feet echo down the hallway as she stops at her bike. Unclasping the lock, Ellie climbs on and starts down the paved sidewalk that leads off campus. 23 minutes later, Ellie makes a stop at the only Asian market close to town, a broken down building lined with old newspaper ads and yellowing fluorescent lights that illuminate the store. Leaning her bike by the front entrance, she drops her backpack near the front door, and passes through the metal divider and walks into the store. Going straight to the refrigerated section, Ellie grabs 4 5-packs of yakult and heads to the que. After handing the cashier exact change, Ellie takes the plastic bag of supplies and stuffs it in her backpack.

It’s another 15 minutes through the idealistic suburbia when she bikes past the trees that line the street and pulls up and stops at an older beige building with an ugly brown molding that surrounds it. Cutting past the mini garage that sits to the left of the building, Ellie takes her bike up the stairs and stops by the mailbox before heading up the stairs. She’s biting down her mail as she fishes out a pair of keys from her front pocket. Just as she pulls her keys out, an unseen hand pops up and tugs on the mail that’s in her mouth. Dropping her mouth open, Ellie turns to her right and throws a glare at the girl.

“You can’t just do shit like that,” Ellie lectures her neighbor, Janine, as she walks toward the kitchen and starts pulling out her yakult.

“I’m just being a good neighbor and helping out,” Janine states as she puts the mail on the tiled countertop. “Haven’t you ever heard of being chivalrous?”

“Don’t talk to me about chivalry. I’m the one who had to hold your hair the other night when you had too many midori sours,” Ellie says as she picks up through the mail at the county. Pausing on a small white envelope that had made it all the way from Portland, Ellie looks up at her neighbor questioningly. “So, what can I do for you?”

“Be my wingman? Tonight? Coffeeshop? Ok, maybe not wingman per se... but there’s this girl that works at “the Coffee shop” and last time I was there, she complimented my Tegan & Sara tattoo so can you go be my emotional support friend?”

“Okay, first of all, who names a coffee shop “the Coffee Shop?” Second, don’t you think she’d like, freak out and think that we were dating if you brought me there? And lastly, if she’s complimenting your tattoo, you’re very specific tattoo then she’s probably gay and therefore you don’t need me there,” Ellie says as she pushes Janine out the door, still holding the slightly battered letter in her hand. “Anyways, I’m busy tonight and have things to do, good luck with her dude,” Ellie finishes off as she closes the door.

Opening a yakult and taking it with her to the living room, she sits down on the old, beaten up brown corduroy couch that sits directly in front of her bed. Ellie places the letter down next to her and pulls out her phone. Opening up the text, Ellie takes a picture of the letter and sends it to Paul. Puckering her lips, she puts her head back and taps against the letter as she waits for a reply. While waiting for a reply, Ellie picks up the yakult and starts drinking it while waiting for a reply. It’s a few minutes later and her eyes open as soon as her phone vibrates. Opening her phone, she clicks on the messaging app.

_Paul: Well, what does it say?_

_3:47 pm_

Tapping quickly against the phone, she chews a bit on her bottom lip while looking at the letter. Pulling out her keys, she delicately opens the envelope with great care. Gently opening the folded, pages Ellie delicately feels the pen marks that have been imprinted on the paper. Ellie goes from chewing on her lip to popping it when she finally places it on her lap. Straightening the letter, she irons it gently and attempts to remove the crease that’s been folded into the corner. Keeping her eyes focused on the upper left hand corner she doesn’t dare peak down to the actual words written below. It’s when she feels her phone vibrate next to her that she takes her eyes off the paper.

_Paul:_

_Dude. Stop freaking out and just pull off the bandaid. Stop being a wussy._

_3:51 pm_

_Ellie: I’m not being a wussy, wussy._

_3:51 pm_

Rolling her eyes, Ellie looks down at the letter. The first page is nearly blank, the words “Find something to believe in Iowa yet, heathen?” with the name aster printed just below. Smiling at the simple words, Ellie turns the paper around, double checking to make sure she hadn’t missed anything. Placing the first page next to her phone, she looks down on the second page, still sitting on her lap. There on the second page is a detailed drawing of the station booth, with the door open. It’s a simple drawing, a little doodle drawn all in blue pen. She brings the page closer to her face, scrutinizing each stroke, each imprint from the page, each little ridge that makes up the station booth. Standing up with the drawing in her hand, Ellie walks past the couch toward the makeshift desk pushed against the wall. Scrounging through a few drawers, Ellie pulls out a red and yellow thumbtack and grabs the drawing. Placing the drawing against the corkboard, next to some sheet music, Ellie places a thumbtack at the bottom and top of the page.

A few steps from the corkboard and Ellie is back in the kitchen, grabbing another yakult. Pushing the seal down with her thumb, Ellie heads back to the couch and has a seat. Grabbing her phone, she cranes her neck around and looks back at the drawing posted on the corkboard. Turning back to her phone, she opens the messaging app and begins her reply.

_Ellie: She... She sent me a letter asking how I’m doing_

_4:02 pm_

_Paul: That’s great! :D :D :D_

_4:02 pm_

Lifting her phone, she turns and snaps a picture of the drawing and sends the image to Paul.

_Ellie: She also sent me a picture_

_4:04 pm_

_Paul: What are you gonna do???_

_4:05 pm_

_Ellie: Write her back I guess._

_4:05 pm_

Grabbing a few loose sheets of paper from her backpack and a pencil, Ellie places it on the coffee table. Looking at the blank sheet, she turns back and looks at the letter. PIcking up the pen, she taps it away at the coffee table for the next few minutes. She’s only gotten as far as “Dear Aster” before she puts the letter back down and heads to the kitchen. Going through her freezer, Ellie pulls out some frozen dumplings, dumps them in a ziploc bag, and sets it in the microwave for 2 minutes. While the microwave counts down, Ellie looks down to the coffee table the next room over. Once the microwave dings, Ellie pulls out her food, grabs some chilli peppers, and heads back to the couch, bringing her chromebook back with her. Once Sabrina is playing on her laptop she begins digging in on the dumplings. Halfway into the film, with the volume on low and her dumplings long forgotten, she picks up the letter and begins scribbling away. With a few scratch marks throughout the letter, she folds it closed, seals it in an envelope and puts a stamp on it. Pausing the film, she picks up the empty plate, drops it in the sink, and heads down to the mailbox. Once she’s back in her studio, she continues watching the movie while she pulls up her phone.

_Ellie: I wrote back. It’s sealed and already in the mailbox. Can’t go back for it even if I wanted to._

_6:58 pm_

_Paul: Good. If ur gonna get anywhere w/ her, You gotta start talking._

_7:03 pm_

_Ellie: Shut up. I know how to talk._

_7:04 pm_

_Paul: With words, when she actually knows It’s from you. Not with your eyes._

_7:05 pm_

_:P_

_7:05 pm_

Turning back to her screen, she focuses on when Humphrey Bogart finally makes it on the boat with Audrey Hepburn. There’s a slightly upturned smile on Ellie’s lips once the credits are rolling. With the movie in the background. Ellie lays on the couch and opens the Ghost Messenger app. There’s a little red dot next to DiegaRivero’s name and Ellie tosses her phone back to the coffee table. Turning to face the couch, Ellie begins to dose off in a matter of minutes.


	2. 10/27/1010

It’s just after 4 by the time her books and composition notebook in her backpack. Adjusting her backpack, Aster puts it on her jacket, over her jean jacket and heads out the class. 3 blocks past the campus and she walks into a suburban neighborhood. In front of a two story home with an amazing elk tree sits her yellow gremlin. Unlocking the door, she tosses her backpack to the passenger seat and turns the ignition. As the car sputters to life, she begins to manually roll down her window. Turning on the radio she leaves the random suburban neighborhood to head downtown. Once Aster finds a cheap spot, she pulls her backpack on and walks the 4 blocks to Powell’s. Once in the store, she heads straight to the backroom. She leaves her backpack in the locker, she slips on her name tag and walks to the inventory room. Aster quickly checks her phone once she’s in the room. She momentarily pauses her steps as she sees the unopened text from her father. Stopping the slight frown that has begun forming at her lips, Aster’s thumb taps the message open it. Running her fingers through her hair, she mumbles out a “fuck” before she turns it off and slips into the back of jeans. 

Grabbing a cart, books loaded to the top with fantasy, horror, and sci-fi books, Aster pushes it out towards the main floor. It’s another 2 hours in before she’s back from the floor and sitting on a few empty crates pushed up against the wall. Pulling out her phone, she taps on the messaging and pulls up the text from her dad. 

_Dad:_

_I still don’t understand why you would_

_leave your family like this. Why you feel_

_the need to hurt Trig. He is an upstanding_

_young man._

_4:47 pm_

Letting out a loud sigh, Aster makes an unimaginable low growl before exits the app and checks her Ghost Messaging app. There at the bottom of the app sits SmithCorona. There is a little green dot next to her name and for the next few minutes, Aster’s thumb is hovering over it. Putting her phone down, she grabs the water bottle that’s been sitting on the ground next to her right foot and takes a sip. Letting out a heavy sigh, she puts her phone back in her pocket and heads back to the floor to shelve more books. 

It’s barely past 9:30 when she’s saying bye to Stanley, Devon, and Camille at the front of the store. Heading down the well lit path, Aster walks the 4 blocks down back to her car. It’s another 13 minutes in the gremlin before she’s walking up to her apartment building. Walking up another 3 stories, she’s finally walking down the rickety hallway to apartment 7c. As the keys jangle, she pushes forward and drops her backpack by the door. She takes a step into the kitchen when she hears her roommate Jennifer step out.

“Hey. Good day at work? There’s leftover wings in the fridge if you want,” Jennifer offers as she takes a seat at the couch.

“Thanks,” Aster echoes out while her head is still in the fridge, finding the leftover wings sitting behind a cartoon of milk and a tupperware of celery sticks. By the time the wings are in the microwave, she’s pulling out a plate to drop off the celery sticks and dropping a dollop of ranch beside it. “Work was good. I was shelving in the fantasy section a bit, not too bad. Oh. but I picked up a new book that Devon recommended. She said, ‘this is the type of book that will immerse you, but will take you a while to read.’ But uh, my father’s texting me again,” Aster mumbles out as she pulls the wings from the microwave and paces it on the plate next to the celery. Heading to the living room, she grabs her bottle and sits on the loveseat next to Jennifer.

“And how was that? Have you decided to respond to him yet?”

“I... I can’t bring myself to do it. I mean, I want to, he’s my father, he’s family, but I definitely didn’t leave on the best terms, you know,” Aster explains while munching down on the celery.

“Which is why you can’t keep ignoring him, right,” Jennifer questions as she leans in and snags a piece of celery. 

“Yeah, I know, I just... What do I say? Sorry I can’t marry Trig, I realized I want to pursue art as a career, I might be bi, and hey, you know Ellie? Totally think I might have a thing for her,” Aster complains as she picks up a wing and begins to dig in, “but then again I’m not even sure, sure. Maybe she just happened to be some girl I had a connection with. Maybe that’s how real friendship works?”

“That’s uh... that’s a lot to pack in dude. Maybe one thing at a time? Or maybe you should talk to your mom about it first? Ease it all in with her and see how it goes from there,” Jennifer suggests as she pulls a pillow into her midsection and places her head on Aster’s right shoulder, “oh, and the whole girl thing? Maybe it is just a connection and one of those lifelong friendships, but then again, maybe it’s so much more. Maybe it could be everything.”

“Maybe. It is a little easier to talk to her. I guess... My father’s always been so domineering. I have... well had a good relationship with the both of them, and my sister as well. I just forget that sometimes there are answers and explanations beyond my father. He’s always been the authority, the truth, the answer to everything,” Aster muses as she continues eating, waving a half eaten wing around as she talks.

“That’s pretty daunting. I guess it’s weird for me. My dad’s been gone since I was 4 and my mom was too busy raising and working to care about my being gay, you know?”

“Yeah, I get it,” Aster sighs out as she scrubs her fingers with a napkin before dropping her head on Jennifer’s. “I guess maybe I’ll call my mom tomorrow and go from there. I just don’t think I’m ready to tell them about the maybe gay thing.”

“Don’t push yourself till you’re ready. Just remember, being you happens on your terms. If you’re not ready, you’re not ready. Don’t be upset with yourself for not knowing what to say when you’re not even sure who you are,” Jennifer gently chides with eyes closed.

Aster lets out a sigh and closes her eyes for a few moments, taking all the comfort she could get. She lays her head back against the couch and lets out a deep breath, dropping her shoulders a little bit more each second. Moments later, opulent, brown eyes flutter open and she lifts her head while letting out a stifled yawn. Blinking away her exhaustion, she lets out a “huh,” when she feels a finger tap at her mustard yellow dress.

“You got a letter. Hand written and everything,” Jennifer mentions with her eyes still closed. It’s mere seconds later when Aster’s off the couch and Jennifer’s body falls against the couch. Lifting her body, she sees Aster pacing their tiny living room with a flimsy, unopened letter in her hand. Once she’s actually sitting on the couch, she pushes her arm out and stills Aster. “Everything okay? What’s got you so freaked out?”

“Ellie,” Aster explains as she waves the envelope in front of Jennifer. “It’s from Ellie. You know, the one I told you about. I. Ah crap. Okay, I wrote her a letter a week ago, but I didn’t expect a response,” Aster whined as she dropped back on to the couch next to Jennifer, “okay, maybe I did, but not this soon.” Looking at the front of the envelope, her fingers graze the name at the top left hand corner of the envelope.

“Open it. Read it. Revel in it. It’s okay to be excited, you know,” Jennifer says, placing a gentle kiss on top of her head. Moments later, Aster’s left alone in the living room holding a still sealed envelope. The only sound in the apartment is that of the letter being ripped open. With the letter open in front of her, Aster softly bit her tongue and first looked at the words, looked at the way the letters looped, how sometimes the r and the s connected together, how this time she used her actual signature at the bottom of the letter. After taking in a few of the scratched out words, the scribbles and loops throughout the letter, she settled in and began to read the actual words on the page, taking in each thought and sentence spilled out into words. By the time she has memorized the entire contents of the letter, she’s stifling every yawn that has been rolling out of her mouth. Folding the letter back up, she slides back into the envelope and takes into the bedroom with her.


	3. 10/31/2020

It’s nearly 4 pm when Ellie’s jogging up the steps to her apartment building. With the phone cradled between her shoulder and jaw, she sticks her key’s into the mailbox and pulls out the pile of mail. Jogging up the steps, she places her mail between her armpit and continues her conversation.

“Look, it’s not a big-big deal. It’s like a big-little deal. We’re just going to hang out,” Ellie explains as she comes up on apartment 4C. Opening her door, she drops the mail on the kitchen counter, on her way to the living room.

“Dude. Some girl asked to hangout with you on Halloween night. That’s a date,” Paul excitedly yelps. She can practically hear him punching his fist in the air for her.

“Okay, first of all, it just happens to be on Halloween. We’re not dressing up, I specifically checked. Second, there’s gonna be other people there,” Ellie shrugs as she whips out her arm to explain.

“Just because you’re not dressing up, doesn’t not make it a date,” Paul replies. “Look, a random girl, who is not in any of your classes approaches you at a coffee shop, she sits down, talks to you for 40 minutes, you guys exchange numbers, and she texts you and asks if you want to hang on Halloween? That’s a total date. Stop pretending like you don’t know it’s a date. It’s a date.”

“Okay, okay. It may possibly be a date,” Ellie sighs out as she settles onto her couch.

“Okay. Good. What are you wearing?”

“What? Paul if we’re not going to a Halloween party, then I don’t need an outfit,” Ellie explains while waving her arms around to the non-existent Paul in front of her.

“Yes, I get that, but if you’re hangin’ with a girl, a girl you met at a coffee shop who asked you out, you need to move past the flannel. At least this first time... Oh! And uncuff that pant leg Ellie,” Paul says through the phone exasperatedly. 

“Then what do I wear?”

“Wear the outfit you wore for the recital. If you can, switch out the shirt for another button-up shirt, pair it with a nice jacket. Not the puffy one,” Paul states with absolute certainty.

“I... look, I’m not good at this. Maybe I should just cancel,” Ellie almost whispers.

“Don’t cancel. That’s like saying you can’t eat the sausage just because you don’t have a tortilla for the taco sausage. Just... just try on outfits and send me pictures. I’ll help you find the right thing to wear.”

After Ellie hangs up, it’s not till about 6:30 when she’s showered and in a Paul approved outfit. Dressed in a more form fitting pair of jeans with a slim-fit button up, Ellie drops her coat on to the couch as she pulls on her socks. Feeling just the mildest bit of nervous energy, Ellie gets up and starts walking around her living room. She tidies up the slightest, taking a few random loose sheets and sticking them onto the small pile on her desk, closing her Chromebook, moving random knick knacks about. Ellie picks up a few empty cups and she moves them to the sink. As she heads back she sees the pile of mail and immediately begins sorting it. While dropping the junk mail into the bag of recyclables, she pauses when she sees an envelope addressed to her with a sketch of the Portland sign sitting next to her name. Without looking, she puts the rest of the mail on the counter and walks to the couch. Ellie slightly bites down on her lip to keep the smile from overwhelming her face. Just as her finger gently slips under the seal and she begins to unleash whatever the contents may be, there’s a knock at her door. 

Looking at her phone, Ellie sees that it’s 7:03 pm and she stands up with a slight startle. Placing the letter at the center of the coffee table, Ellie gives it one last look before sliding her phone into her back pocket and clipping her keys to the belt loop on her jeans. When she opens the door, Sam, a slightly taller brunette with chocolate brown eyes, is looking down at her. A half-smile, covered in ruby red lips are beaming at her. Ellie smiles brightly at Sam as she closes the door and locks up. 

“So I was thinking we could grab something to eat first? Then we’ll go 

It’s a short walk, only about 4 blocks away when Sam and Ellie end up in front of a small dinner with a wooden porch out front. The dinner seems a little run down with paint pealing at the edges and the wooden porch squeaking as they walk up the steps. Out front a large American flag proudly hangs high in the wind. It reminds her of Squahamish. As Ellie gets closer, she sees a small rainbow flag stickered at the front entrance on the window. When they walk in, a number of customers are dressed in costumes, from witches to kitty cats to a high number of condiment items. Lifting an eyebrow at the ketchup, mustard, and relish at the front table, Ellie follows Sam past the front counter to a booth in the middle of the restaurant. As she slides into one side of the booth, Ellie pulls out her phone and places it on the table, unconsciously, she presses a button and checks for any new notifications. Placing the phone face down, she looks over to Sam.

“Have you ever been here before,” Sam asks as she peruses the menu, mostly checking the appetizer section.

“No, I uhm, since I’ve only been here a few months, I haven’t been out much,” Ellie says as she swings the page from one section to another. Puckering her lips in thought, she looks between the pictures of the fries and nachos.

Before the conversation can flow any further, the two ladies are being interrupted by Maria, a woman with a boisterous voice that causes both women to look up. Maria is a short woman, probably in her mid-to-late 40’s, definitely shorter than Ellie. Maria wears a large smirk painted on her lips, with hair nearly as tall as herself, and an attitude larger than the bosoms that land next to Ellie, as she takes a seat by her. With a large grin, Maria pulls out a small notepad. 

“So, what can I get you lovely ladies tonight,” Maria questions as she leans into the table, looking between Sam and Ellie, pen in hand. 

“Uhm, I’d like a portobello mushroom burger with fries and a diet coke. Ellie, what do you want,” Sam asks as she looks up.

“I, uh, nachos sound good,” Ellie says as she closes her menu and passes it back to Maria. “With water please.” 

“Ok. Portobello burger, fries, diet coke, nachos, and a glass of water. Anything else ladies,” seeing them both shake their heads in a negative, Maria is out of the booth and down to the counter in moments.

“So.... how are you liking Grinnell so far?”

“It’s cool. I, uh, I like it here. It has qualities that remind me a little bit of home but enough differences that I feel like I’m in a completely different world. Like.. it’s not normal to see a rainbow flag in a storefront window, or other Asians, or other non-white people. It’s weird, but I like it,” Ellie explains as she gestures to the area around her.

“Wow. Your hometown sounds... very... small,” Sam says while grabbing the drinks that Maria is just dropping off. “Well, I’m glad you're enjoying it here. It’s not too bad. I've made some pretty good friends here,” Sam says as she opens her straw and sticks it in her drink. 

“Yeah, it seems nice here,” Ellie agrees as she begins to pick at her nachos. 

The bill comes about 30 minutes after the food did. As she pulls out some cash, Sam waves away her hand and puts down her debit card. Ellie insists one more time, but Sam just gently pushes her hand away. 

“At least let me pay for the tip, “ Ellie insists. As Sam reluctantly agrees, Maria swings by and picks up the bill. While they wait for the receipt, Ellie starts to take the empty dishes and begins stacking them and putting them near the front of the booth for Maria.

Once the receipt comes, Ellie drops a $10 on the table and follows Sam out the door, before making it down the steps of the restaurant, Ellie checks her ghost messenger and only sees a message from Paul, which just consists of a thumbs up emoji. Sliding the phone back into her pocket, Ellie walks down the steps and begins to walk next to Sam As the ladies head east to the small party, Sam softly shoulder checks Ellie and smiles down at her. Ellie pushes the loose strand of hair in front of her behind her ear and smiles up at Sam. 

It’s another 15 minutes of walking on crunchy leaves through several suburban neighborhoods before they end up in front of a small neighborhood with a few apartment buildings sprinkled around. Sam and Ellie end up slowly walking up a few floors when they both hear the low smooth thump of a deep bass. As they approach the door, Sam grabs a hold of Ellie’s hand and pulls her into the room. 

There’s a few bottles of alcohol placed in the kitchen and a number of young females drinking from red plastic cups in the living room. Before making it into the living room, Sam pulls Ellie into the kitchen and fixes them both a drink. One hand takes a hold of her drink and the other takes a hold of Sam. As they enter the living room, they step over a few legs and a board game placed to the left, next to a speaker. Heading past the couch, they stop by to say hi to the host of the party. Melissa is a stylish mid-20’s woman that exudes a boundless energy of cool. Propped on the couch in a leather jacket and a way too cool haircut that includes a partially shaved head, Ellie lifts her drink in hello and follows Sam to a few empty chairs next to a slightly open porch.

The next few hours are spent mingling with random strangers and taking in a few drinks. It’s almost midnight when Ellie begins to yawn and drain her drink. Sam places her drink down and stands up. Within seconds, her hand is out and she’s helping Ellie up. Dropping the drinks by an almost full trash bag in the kitchen, both women wave their goodbyes as they head out the apartment. Ellie ends up making a few new friends and even promises to grab brunch later on with a few of the people. 

“Did you have an okay time,” Sam questions as they leave the building.

“Yeah. I’ve never, I’ve never really experienced something like this. It was fun.”

“I’m glad. I had fun too,” Sam says as she slips her hand in Ellie’s. They lace fingers and walk together the rest of the way home. Sam has soft hands with long fingers as opposed to Ellie’s slightly calloused one, but Sam seems just as happy to hold her hand. It’s nearly 20 minutes when they finally make it to Ellie’s apartment.

“I had fun tonight. Would you want to do this again sometime,” Sam questions as she looks down at Ellie.

As Ellie looks and there is a soft twinkle in her eyes and Ellie can feel the slightest bit of a magnetic pull when she stands on her tippy toes and goes in for a kiss. She feels her heart beat faster and her hand begin to grip Sam’s hand as she feels Sam continue the kiss. It’s a few more minutes and Ellie’s lips feel slightly fuller when she’s closing the door behind her and she’s taking in deep, heaping breaths trying to calm herself down.

After locking the door, Ellie drops her keys at the kitchen counter as she heads to the living room couch. Placing her phone on the table, she picks up the letter that has been waiting for her for hours and begins to unseal it. Letting out a deep breath, Ellie pulls the letter from the envelope and begins to read it. She reads the letter 3 times before she checks the ghost messenger app. There’s a green little dot placed next to DiegaRivera’s name. Ellie’s thumb hovers over the name for nearly a minute before she decides to hit the home button. Dropping her head to the couch, she pulls the letter up above her head as she reads it a fourth time. Standing up, she grabs the letter and the envelope and heads to the corkboard where the first letter was. Folding the envelope, Ellie places the Portland doodle at the base of the corkboard as she places the letter with the first one.

Calling a familiar number, Ellie puts the phone on speaker when she begins to change into something more comfortable. By the time she’s laying on her couch, the phone finally picks up. Ellie automatically pulls the phone away as she hears an excited yelp.

“Aaaaahhh! How was it,” Paul cuts in excitedly before Ellie can get a word in edgewise. 

“It was good. She was nice, and funny, and pretty sweet,” Ellie says as she blows out a huge sigh.

“But...” Paul manages to question as she pauses.

“Buuuuuut... I also got a letter from Aster today. So, while I had a good time and even have another date. Aster kept popping up through my head the entire night,” Ellie mumbles out.

“Okay. We’ll sort through this and figure it out. First tell me about the date.”

“Alright. Uhm, her name’s Sam. She’s tall, like 5’7” tall, so pretty much a giant. She’s funny, she has soft hands, and we talked most of the night. It was really nice. She was sure of herself and of me. She was walking me home and she just grabbed my hand and held it. When we got to my door, she gave me the look. Then we kissed and it was really nice,” Ellie rambles out as she sits up from the couch. She stops talking and waits, waits for Paul to say something.

“That... that sounds amazing Ellie. I’m glad you went out, you should do it more often.”

“And,” Ellie questions.

“And what? You had fun with a nice girl,” Paul answers.

“I meant Aster. What do I do about her,” Ellie questions as she looks back at the sketches hanging on her corkboard.

“Oh. That’s the easy part. You said she wrote you a letter, write her back. There must be a reason why she’s not messaging you. Communicate on her terms dude. If she writes you, you write back. If she calls you, you call back. If she messages you, you message her back,” Paul states easily.

“Yeah, yeah. I guess that makes sense. Should I not talk to Sam while writing to Aster,” Ellie wonders aloud.

“Look, I know how Aster makes you feel. Believe me, I get it... but you said she needs to figure out what she wants, she needs to be sure about things. That means, in the meantime, you keep living your life. You need to accept what she tells you and be there for her when she needs you, but otherwise, you keep living your life. If there’s anything you taught me, it’s that you can’t just put everything on hold,” Paul says earnestly as she sits on the couch, listening intently.

“When’d you become the smart one, huh,” Ellie comments as she smiles at his response.

“Eh, getting your heart broken once is enough to learn from,” Paul says easily.

Silently wincing at his response, Ellie quickly moves the topic on to something a little safer. “And how’s the sausage going? Your mom try your recipe yet,” Ellie asks as she closes her eyes and listens to Paul’s response.

“Actually, no. Losing the battle, but I think I may be winning the war. My mom’s agreed to let me at least try with my recipe. So, starting next weekend, I’m gonna start making a 3 hour drive to Spokane every Saturday. They have a farmer’s market there that’s pretty big. People go to these things and buy vegetables, food, and they’d even buy sausage! So she agreed that I can start selling my sausages there, and if I do okay, I can try to start selling it here! I haven’t sold her on taco sausage yet, but I think it’s only a matter of time,” Paul excitedly explains.

“That... that sounds amazing Paul. Congrats. Maybe if you go there, the food critic from Spokane can finally try your taco sausage. Maybe you should make some up in Spokane and try to sell them,” Ellie suggests as she tries to hold back a yawn.

“Hey, that’s not a bad idea. I mean, it kinda sucks that I’ve only figured out the farmer’s market thing now. They said they’re gonna close it down by mid-December because the snow’s gonna be coming soon. So I only have like a month and a half to try to start this till I can go back in March.”

“Just keep pushing and working, there’s no way taco sausage will fail,” Ellie says definitively.

“Yeah, yeah. You’re right. I can do that. I’ve got this. Hey Ellie, I gotta go. Ma’s calling me for dinner.” 

“Yeah. Okay. Oh, and... thanks for the talk Paul, you made a lot of sense.”

“Hey, that’s what I’m here for, right? I’ve got you Ellie.”

“Thanks. I’ll uh, I’ll talk to you soon, ok,” Ellie questions as she opens her eyes and sits up on the couch.

“Yeah, just keep me posted on everything. Gotta make sure you’re okay.”

“Later Paul,” Ellie says as she hangs up the phone. As she attempts to wipe all the exhaustion away, she shuffles from the living room and to grab a few sheets of paper and a pen. Before she settles into responding to the letter, she turns on her free Spotify account and begins playing a very specific playlist filled with Chicago, Sharon Von Etten, and a number of other artists that remind of a certain day. It’s nearly 2 am and she’s on the third repeat of this playlist before she swipes at her eyes and folds the letter into a blank envelope. Licking it shut, she writes down the address and leaves it at the kitchen counter before heading for bed.


	4. 11/8/2020

Aster’s alarm goes off at 7:07 am, and after 3 snoozes, she shoots up out of bed and tumbles off toward the bathroom. As she begins brushing her teeth, she walks back to her room and begins picking through a few outfits, trying to settle on the right one. Settling on a navy blue sundress with intricate lacing along the straps, she tosses the dress to her bed. As she was about to head back to the bathroom, she pauses at the door and sees the letter that’s sitting next to her nightstand that she hasn’t responded to yet. Lifting an eyebrow at the envelope, she continues on back to the bathroom. After a hot shower that leaves the window steamed and the air thick, Aster heads back to her room and changes into the sundress. Throwing on a light black cardigan, Aster grabs her canvas bag, drops the letter in her it and heads out. 

It’s 7:52 am when her yellow gremlin grumbles into an empty spot between a yellow Subaru and green Honda. Quick, light steps leave the car and go up the steps that lead to a red brick building. She passes through ornate wooden doors and stained glass windows as she silences her phone. Sliding into an empty pew at the back of the room, she takes in the area. While much larger than the one back in Squahamish, it’s not nearly as packed. As she sets her bag on the ground and waits for the service, she takes in the sites of Jesus, Mary, and all the saints that adorn the windows and paintings in the room. The altar sits directly at the front, above it is Jesus on the cross eyes closed to everything around him. Unconsciously Aster’s fingers go to tug at the golden cross that sits around her neck when she hears the voice of the priest.

The service itself interests her. She finds herself paying attention to the service more often as not. A small weight begins to feel lifted off her chest when the priest chooses not to talk about fire, brimstone, and Satan, but rather focuses on acceptance, community, and love. As the service ends and people file out, she stays seated and watches as the small crowd exits the building. There are a few people milling about when she takes a photo of the windows, paintings, tiles, and domes that make up the church. Taking in a deep breath, Aster looks around one last time before heading back to her car.

The weather is overcast and cool as Aster exits the building and heads toward her car. It only takes her a few minutes to find a spot downtown. Parked on the street between two large lots filled with food pods, Aster takes a short walk and ends up in line at Stumptown coffee. By the time there’s a small cold brew in her hand, a small two seat table top opens up. As she settles into a chair, she places her headphones on and begins to zone out to the music coming from her phone. 

As the music plays, Aster finds herself reaching for some scratch sheets of paper. As the intro of a Cat Power’s song comes on she looks at the photos she had taken earlier. Using the stained glass window as a reference, she starts building the frame of the window, then works her way in till there’s a blank spot exactly where Mary would be. In place of Mary, she draws the book cover of The Remains of the Day. She liters the outside of the window with little doodles of a coffee cup, some landscape, and a cassette radio player, among other things. 

It’s nearly noon and her coffee is long gone by the time she finishes the doodle. Leaving the cafe, Aster stops by a food pod, a mini food stand sitting in a parking lot of other stands and grabs some thai food on the way home. By the time Jennifer gets home, Aster is sitting on the couch with a spoonful of curry and rice in her mouth and a blank sheet of paper sitting in front of her. Jennifer walks over to the couch and pulls out paper wrapped in aluminum foil. Opening up the plate, Jennifer takes a lime and squeezes a bit of the juice on to her tacos. Passing one to Aster, she grabs another and begins eating.

As Aster continues eating, Jennifer kicks Aster with a free foot and nods at the blank sheet of paper. Aster looks down at the sheet and takes the last bite of the taco. After she licks her fingers, she grabs a bottle of water and takes a healthy gulp.

“It’s a letter that I’ve been kind of avoiding but not,” Aster states as she picks up her a small bowl of coconut rice and green curry and takes a bite.

“So, are you gonna tell me about it, because everything so far has been pretty vague. I mean... I know you kissed a girl, and there was a guy, and there was a boyfriend,” Jennifer asks as she drizzles some salsa on her taco.

“Okay, but bear in mind that a) I’m not mad about this and b) I’m still fairly confused about it.”

“Oh! This sounds exciting. Tell me,” Jennifer excitedly commands.

“So, in high school, I was dating Trig. One day, I got an amazing love letter from this guy named Paul. We exchanged letters for a while and honestly? I’ve never felt more seen in my life. These letters weren’t just about me being pretty. They were deep, poignant, and always overwhelming. Something as simple as ‘you’re pretty’ turned into ‘the depth of your eyes hold a truth beyond knowing.’ It really moved me. Anyways, Paul was a little awkward and a lot of cute, because anytime we actually hung out, he couldn’t say a word and would just ghost message me. Low and behold, it wasn’t actually Paul writing the letters.”

“What, say whaaaaat?! Okay, that’s pretty romantic and yet also a little weird,” Jennifer asked as she pulled on Aster’s sleeve.

“Yeah, so apparently Paul paid Ellie, another classmate of mine, to write the letters, and well... I guess, in a way, they were using each other to talk to me,” Aster says as she lifts her head up and blinks a few times, before turning to Jennifer.

“This is quite the love triangle... or is it square? Rectangle? Wow, you’re kinda like Helen of Troy or something. Everyone wants you,” Jennifer all but whistles out.

“I... It’s not like that. I didn’t ask for any of this,” Aster says as she crumples into herself.

“Hey, hey, hey... I didn’t... I’m sorry. I didn’t mean anything by it,’ Jennifer quickly responds in a low, clam voice, “I just meant that you must have something pretty damn worthwhile to have all these people fall for you. Right?”

“It’s just. I’ve always been popular and I’m not trying to be a jerk, but I know I’m pretty. Pretty has a lot of currency in Squahamish. People always wanted to hang out with me, or go out with me, or maybe just be near me... but in a weird way, I always felt so solitary, so... separate. And then suddenly, I get these soul-scorching letters that aren’t just a confession, they were so much more than that... Inevitably I find out what happens. Then everything hits the fan,” Aster musters out as she drags her fingers through her hair.

“Wow. That’s... that’s all kinds of messed up. So... what happened after,” Jennifer lightly asks as she watches Aster.

“Well, what happens is Trig and I break up, Paul stays in Squahamish, Ellie goes to Iowa, and I? I end up here. Going to art school, working part-time, screwing up the entire family dynamic, but... learning to breathe a little easier,” Aster says as she gives Jennifer a rueful smile, “and now? Now I’m writing letters to a girl who’s lied to me longer than we’ve spoken to each other.”

“That’s... a lot to take in.”

“That doesn’t even include what the hell all of this means you know,” Aster questions as she points to the letter on the counter.

“It doesn’t have to mean anything. I mean, it could mean everything, but that’s squarely up to you.”

“Yeah, I know. I just... I don’t know. I’ve only ever dated Trig and hung out with Paul... and well... I’ve only ever kissed the three of them,” ASter bemoans.

“So who did you like kissing the best,” Jennifer asks.

“I... I don’t know. I liked kissing all of them to some extent I guess, but... but, she lied to me and so did he. How am I supposed to figure everything out when it’s all been a lie... maybe not a lie, but, a ruse,” Aster exclaims as she looks to Jennifer.

“Completely understandable. I mean, I totally get Ellie’s perspective, but I get why you would feel the way you do.”

“You get why they did it? I mean, I get it, but damn... why lie. Why lie for so long,” Aster asks hopelessly, “especially when I’ve been nothing but honest?”

“Yeah, that’s true, but the way you talk about your town, it sounds little. Like, tiny-itty-bitty super small little... and being a gay girl from a town like that? Sounds frightening. If I were her, I’d be hiding away till I got a chance to escape... but man, if you told me I could confess my feelings to my high school crush Crystal and I wouldn’t be permanently destroyed by being outed to the whole town? I’d have jumped at the chance to,” Jennifer wistfully says.

“Even if it meant someone else got the girl?”

“Even then, because in the end, I’d have at least been able to admit to myself that my emotions meant something to someone. That they weren’t wasted,” Jennifer finishes as she lightly shrugs at her answer. 

“Well... I mean, I don’t eve know if I’m gay or anything,” Aster states.

“Maybe, maybe not. If you are? Great, the more the merrier. If not, well.. Let her down gently. I know she monumentally screwed up, but on behalf of all gay girls who were/are in the closet, just try to understand form her perspective.”

“But if I am, what do I say to my family. How could I do this to them? I’m already messing everything up by being here and going to school,” Aster all but whispers out.

“You’re sexuality and how you feel about someone should not reflect how you feel about your family. Those are two different situations. Look at it like this, if you like-like Ellie, go for it and don’t worry so much about your family. How they feel should have no bearing on who you love or like or want. You’re not at home in Squahamish. So all these issues you have? Take it one day at a time and get some perspective. You’ve got to live with yourself your whole life, you better start liking who you are,” Jennifer says wisely as she takes a sip from her drink before nodding to herself.

“That is, actually very insightful. I think you’re right. In the meantime, I guess I’ll just keep writing to her, no pretenses on where this may lead,” Aster states with a bit more confidence.

Feeling the physical change in the atmosphere, Aster picks up the plates from her and Jennifer and drops them in the kitchen. Turning on the tv, Jennifer relaxes into the couch and focuses on the animated movie airing. Turning away from the forest currently displayed on the tv, Aster lightly bites on her thumb before she bends over and picks up the blank sheet. Picking up a pen sitting nearby, Aster sets out on responding to the letter.


	5. 11/13/2020

At 3:27 pm Ellie is sitting in a small auditorium and packing the last of her belongings into the backpack. She slips the neon orange, bic mechanical pencil into the mouth of her backpack, stands up, and slips it on, as she picks up the small stack of stapled sheets that make up her midterm. Before exiting the class, she drops the stack off to her professor and makes her way down the quiet hallways of the language arts building. Soft footsteps filter past tiled floors and concrete steps. She pulls her jacket closer to her as she puts on her helmet and unlocks her bike. The sun is still sitting up high when she rolls onto her street and walks her bike up the steps. She’s in the door, setting aside the weekly ads when she spots a simple envelope with her name scrawled across. The initials “A.F.” is neatly scrawled across the top left-hand corner, Tapping her fingers against the kitchen countertop, Ellie looks at the plain white envelope, squinting at the blank spaces that sit between the initials A.F. and her name. Squinting into the letter, and lightly biting at her bottom lip, Ellie stares aimlessly through the letter as her index and middle finger begin to tap an erratic beat over the indentations of ink imprinted on the envelope. A slight buzzing from her back pocket suspends her two fingers in the air as she tilts her head. Pulling away from the letter, Ellie moves her eyes over to the incoming message that’s appeared on her screen. Turning her body, she leaves the letter sitting at the edge of the kitchen counter before heading to the bedroom to get changed. 

Hours later, Ellie tumbles back into the apartment with an intoxicated Sam pulled into her, the door still slightly ajar, while both of them giggle between kisses. Sam’s foot does a swift kick to the door, while soft, nimble fingers nudge Ellie back against the counter. Ellie easily braces into the tiled counter as a soft body pushes against her, hands laying at her waist, thumbs running circles around the slight dip in her stomach, and shivering ache begins to build in her as she leans in towards Sam to get closer to already plump lips. The giggles that followed them into the apartment cease to exist and are quickly replaced by shuddered breathes, low moans, and whispered affirmations. It’s only seconds later when a flannel shirt is discarded on the floor, along with a plain white envelope with some blue ink on it that tumbles with the shirt.

The stars that hang in the sky are at their brightest when Sam stumbles out of the bedroom and hits the light switch as she makes her way to the kitchen. Pulling out a blue ceramic mug with a yellow sunflower etched to it, she begins filling it with water. After a long sip, she fills it again and begins to head back toward the room, mug in hand. As her foot catches on the flannel shirt, Same bends down to grab the pile and heads back toward the room. She uses her elbow to turn off the lights before closing the door with her foot.

Dropping the pile on her floor, she leans forward and hands the mug to Ellie. She sees a white envelope hit the floor with the flannel and goes to pick it up. Seeing the initial’s A.F. at the corner of the envelope, Sam hands it to Ellie as she’s finishing the last of the water.

“You have a letter,” Sam states as she goes to slide into bed.

“Yeah, I know,” Ellie replies as she places the mug on the nightstand next to her. “It’s from a friend from high school.”

“That’s so cool. Getting letters I mean. I usually just text my friends,” Sam responds as she scooches in closer to Ellie.

“Yeah, it’s... I know it isn’t the most efficient way to communicate, but I think it gives the both of us a chance to... to... to understand each other. When, when we were in high school, there was this misunderstanding,” Ellie states as she begins to toy with the sealed edges of the envelope. “It’s uh, it’s not that important,” she finishes as she places the half-opened envelope on the nightstand. Ellie tugs on the chain connected to the nightstand before shimmying back into the warm body behind her and pull on the hand that sits on her hip. Ellie drops her head into the pillow and looks out the window before drifting off to sleep.

Soft brown eyes blink once, twice, three times before a calloused hand comes up to wipe away the last remnants of sleep that linger. Pinching at the bridge of her nose Ellie grabs for her glasses when her hands come into contact with the envelope. Looking behind her, the bed is empty but she can hear the rumblings of movement beyond the door. Sitting up against the patterned headboard, Ellie brings her legs up and grabs her glasses. Her right index finger slides into the opening and finishes releasing the pages from their home. Opening up the folded pages, Ellie begins to read the contents that have settled and embedded themselves into the slips of paper. She’s barely a page in when her door creaks open and soft footsteps are making their way across the room. A steaming coffee mug with a few droplets of milk sits next to the empty water cup. Sam crosses over and settles in next to her and leaves a plate of fresh fruits with a piece of toast between them. Ellie shifts the letter to her left hand, as her right hand begins to randomly pick at her breakfast. In between bites of toast and grapes, her right-hand drops to the bed and settles on top of Sam’s hand. It is when she reaches the fifth and final page that she places the letter aside and looks to her coffee. Seeing the now empty plate, Ellie moves it off the bed and turns her body towards Sam.

“Hey,” Ellie starts out before she leans forward and places a soft kiss on the shoulder.

“Hey yourself. Everything ok,” Sam asks as she turns her body.

“Yeah. I think so, things are just... in flux at the moment,” Ellie vaguely states.

“You wanna talk about it?” soft brown eyes offer as they look at the slightest bit of a barely-there frown that’s placed on Ellie’s lips.

“No... I don’t. I... It’s not a big deal.”

“You sure? You can talk to me you know. Obviously, I would hope.”

“It’s kinda weird to talk about,” Ellie lamely explains.

“Try me,” Sam states as she offers a challenging eyebrow and a slight smirk.

“Ok, fine, but just know that I feel like an idiot,” Ellie softly agrees. Hearing a light chuckle Ellie begins to tell a story about sausages, philosophy, and love. “And then? And then I kissed her,” Ellie finishes as she finally turns her head to look at her companion.

“Seriously?! So what you’re telling me is that in high school you earned a living by writing philosophy papers for your classmates, which by the way, super impressive. Wrote love letters to your straight girl crush, super ballsy, and in the end, got to kiss her?” Sam questions incredulously in response.

“Well, I mean when you put it that way, I guess?” Ellie responds as she hunches her shoulders in question.

“And now you two write letters to each other? Wow, I gotta say El, I got you pegged all wrong,” Sam finishes as she sits up to take a sip of her coffee.

Mirroring her partner, Ellie quickly does the same as she turns to her left. “What do you mean you pegged me all wrong?!”

“What I mean is, when I met you, I thought you were this lost little lesbian. Little did I know you were some lothario living the dream of every little lesbian in high school. You’re kinda amazing you know that,” Sam finishes as she places a soft, reassuring kiss on top of Ellie’s head. 

“What?! You’re not making any sense,” Ellie complains as she accepts the kiss.

“It’s so funny. Ok, think about it. When you were telling me this story, you talked a lot about Aster, yeah, but... but the way you framed it, you sounded like this confused, closeted girl who seemed so afraid of her own shadow. But my gosh... you, you did things so many girls have been scared to do. You dared to look at her, you told her how you felt, you kissed her for all the world to see. You talked about Aster like she was untouchable. Confident, smart, sassy... she just exudes this energy that you couldn’t help but notice. But Ellie, you did all these things. You accepted this impossible challenge and... and wow, you’re kinda amazing,” Sam says in disbelief amusement. 

“I, uh, I... thanks?” Ellie replies with a slightly arched eyebrow.

“Dork. Don’t say thanks. Accept your awesomeness. But I mean, it kinda sucks cuz I think this puts a pretty big damper on us,” Sam bitterly chuckles out as she looks away from her bedmate. “But...” she finishes up with a softly upturned shrug, she begins drawing her legs up and into herself, she wraps her arms around herself and rests her head down.

A soft, melancholy rhythm settles into the air and an uncomfortable weight drops into Ellie’s stomach as she stares at her companion. Her fingers itch to provide a comfort and reassurance that she can’t afford to offer. It’s a few minutes of silence before Ellie goes to lay down. She lifts a hand and tugs Sam to lay with her. Refusing to look back, Sam moves to lay her body. She doesn’t fight back when pales arms encircle her and pull her into a hug, one arm laying under her head while the other settles onto her waist. Both ladies say nothing as silent tears streak down one face and fall onto the arms of the other.


End file.
